I’ve often admitted to you all that I preach sermons I need to hear – and I let you listen in on them as well. And in terms of my identity – those things I preached in 2015 just didn’t seem to fit my needs in 2023. You see, I’ve been thinking more recently about transitioning in a few years to a chapter of life that many of you know about already – and others are looking forward to – or not; one that we label as “retirement.” I wonder – who will I be?
So I’ve been exploring how our identities change – not just our roles and jobs – but our identities, as we grow older. What is our core identity? What about our identity is static – the same throughout your lifetime, and what is dynamic, fluid, shifting to someone different than you were. Are you the same person you were in your twenties or thirties? Probably not. And I’m glad I’m not.
At some point in my first marriage, my husband noted that I had changed a lot about the way I thought about things from when we were first married. And I said, “well – I hope so, I was 17 when we married.” And he said, “we are married though, so we should think alike.” I said – “if that’s the case, you are welcome to think as I do, but I can’t go back and think like I did when I was 17. I’m not that person anymore.” I said – “I accept that we think differently, and that’s okay with me. But, this is who I am now.” He could never adjust to that – and we eventually ended the marriage when he found someone who did think more like him.
For this sermon, I’m going to explore two issues that all of this brings up for me – and maybe you. What make’s me – ME – and you – YOU? And how does our identity shift and change as we grow older.
Question # 1. What makes me – me? What are components of my identity? Well, experts of course, have weighed in on this.
Some note that we often define ourselves based on physical characteristics based on categories that are generally accepted in the societies where we live. My height is probably 5’2” and decreasing. Most folks would categorize me as a short person, and I’ve decided to own that. My body parts at birth had the nurse sharing with my Mama that she had a girl – so I was assigned female at birth and I’ve retained that female biological identity. My hair has turned silver and I own that too, though our society allows us to change this. My eyes are blue and my skin is fair. I’m 72 years old, and I own that as well. These and other physical characteristics are more static areas of our identity – not completely, of course. We’ve learned that we can change some of this as well. Usually when we think of identity, though, we use more socially constructed categories – social identity categories like race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity, ability, religion/spirituality, nationality and socioeconomic status. Of course, more recently people like Kimberly Crenshaw have made us aware of the intersections of these identities – intersectionality – which can have implications related to oppression and more.
We also have identities related to our roles in life – I identify as a family member to many, a friend, a minister, an activist and more. And, of course, as indicated by my conversation I shared about me and my husband, we identify by our values, our character, by the way we think and feel, and act. Which of these are central to me being me?
Philosophers have played mind games with folks about this. I heard one of these commonly used on a video I watched while preparing for these sermons – and it had to do with whether or not you would still be you if you lost some of these characteristics. For example: If you lost your hair – would you still be you – of course. What about a body part – like an arm or a leg? Of course, you would still be you. How much of your physical self could be removed and you still be you. Most folks – they say – put the brain at the center – because that’s where they locate their thoughts. Descarte said, “ I think, therefore, I am.” But what part of your thinking exemplifies the real you? What if you got hit on the head and the injury removed your ability to read? Would you still be you? Yes, - of course. But what if you lost your memories? Are we what we remember? Well, someone may have to remind you of lots of things everyday – or you would have to read through journals – but if you still thought in the same ways – wouldn’t you still be you? What part of your brain and thinking is that core? Some people call that your character. It’s how they would describe your personality. Someone who perhaps is shy or outgoing, someone who is frugal, someone who is compassionate, someone who is curious… or more. And in fact, in these mind games, if we had to choose losing our memories or losing our character, the way we think and feel about things – most of us would prefer to keep our character, that’s who we are.
For some of us, this helps us feel better about death. For our bodies are not us and they don’t last. Our names won’t be remembered. But these ideas, thoughts, and character attributes that have been riding around in our brains and bodies will continue in our species with other people. And just as I have been contemplating ideas about identity more recently by long gone philosophers like Descarte and John Locke or contemporary thinkers like Beverly Crenshaw – those same ideas and more will be explored and contemplated and acted on by others. Our bodies – including our brains – are just the vehicles for these to be contemplated, maybe expanded on, and shared with others. The most important part of the identities of all of us doesn’t die with us. They may die with the extinction of humanity, of course – or be carried forth by artificial intelligence. Hmmm.
Okay –
Question #2: How does our identity shift and change as we grow older?
We have our same DNA throughout our lifetime. But we change. One metaphor for this is “Same Seed – Different Ground.” We plant that DNA seed in different soils as we grow and develop. And I don’t just mean geographically – soils in the knowledge and understanding we get, soil in the folks we hang out with and the events and activities in our lives. We know that a Texas onion seed planted in southeast Georgia turns into a Vidalia sweet onion – tasting completely different. Same seed – different soil.
We change as we age – both due to our DNA and due to our environment
Of course, it’s easy to see the physical transformation that ageing brings. Your skin gets thin and looses elasticity Our gums recede, our noses grow. Hair disappears from some places and grows in other places. And – as I previously noted, we get shorter – and some of us get wider. But we also change other aspects of our identity in as we become seniors. For quite some time, folks thought that identity formation occurred till about 30 years old or so – and then we were pretty static. And – in fact, my Meyers Brigg values of ENTJ – have not changed as I’ve aged when I take that test. But more recent research shows us that this is not entirely the case. “The conclusion is exactly this: that we are not the same person for the whole of our life,” says René Mõttus, a psychologist from the University of Edinburgh.
An article by By Zaria Gorvett published by BBC.com shares a summary of finding from Mottus’ work and others.
Our traits are ever shifting, and by the time we’re in our 70s and 80s, we’ve undergone a significant transformation. And while we’re used to couching ageing in terms of deterioration and decline, the gradual modification of our personalities has some surprising upsides.
We become more conscientious and agreeable, and less neurotic. The levels of the “Dark Triad” personality traits, Machiavellianism, narcissism, and psychopathy also tend to go down – and with them, our risk of antisocial behaviours such as crime and substance abuse. (Perhaps it’s just that the one’s of us who make it this far have learned to do better.)
Research has shown that we develop into more altruistic and trusting individuals. Our willpower increases and we develop a better sense of humour. Finally, the elderly have more control over their emotions. It’s arguably a winning combination – and one which suggests that the stereotype of older people as grumpy and curmudgeonly needs some revision.
Far from being fixed in childhood, or around the age of 30 – as experts thought for years – it seems that our personalities are fluid and malleable. “People become nicer and more socially adapted,” says Mõttus. “They’re increasingly able to balance their own expectations of life with societal demands.”
Psychologists call the process of change that occurs as we age “personality maturation”. It’s a gradual, imperceptible change that begins in our teenage years and continues into at least our eighth decade on the planet. Intriguingly, it seems to be universal: the trend is seen across all human cultures, from Guatemala to India.
It would be reasonable to think that this continual process of change would make the concept of personality fairly meaningless. But that’s not entirely true. That’s because there are two aspects to personality change: average changes, and relative changes. It turns out that, while our personalities shift in a certain direction as we age, what we’re like relative to other people in the same age group tends to remain fairly stable.
So if Alice seems more agreeable than Sally when they are 40 – she will still seem more agreeable than Sally when they are 70 – though they may both have shifted their level of agreeability.
Well, that’s good news!
Now, there are things we may need to change about our identities – and we can. Just as I had to change my characteristic of being always so “high energy,” we can make changes as we face different challenges in our lives. Many do seem to learn to cope – though that’s not to say that there is not also despair with aging and transitioning to different roles, etc.
Now as you may have noted in my introduction – that upcoming role change for me has given me a bit of motivation to try to shift some in my identity gradually – so it won’t be such a shock when I retire. As your book of life goes along, you have different chapters, and it’s helpful if you know ahead that big changes are coming so you can prepare. You don’t always know – of course. You may get fired from your job; a loved one may suddenly die; and more. But you can prepare for some transitions.
Several years before I became your minister, I felt called to move in this direction and began my preparation; first becoming a lay minister at Pittman Park church, then coming to this congregation and getting actively involved and gradually doing many of the things that ministers do. Not long after I was accepted at Meadville Lombard Theological School and began my studies, I stepped down from the very demanding role of Department Chair at Georgia Southern. I continued to share with others some of the research I had done, but took on no new research projects. I even took my first sabbatical ever at Georgia Southern in 2004, so that I could do my onsite pastoral care preparation at Northside hospital in Atlanta and take some additional multicultural courses that would help me in both my final year at Southern and in my ministry. After I retired in 2005, I began a year long internship with the congregation in Augusta – which gave my car a change to get used to not heading to Georgia Southern every day! Because I was able to intentionally prepare myself for this transition, it was not difficult. I do not miss being a professor and spending my time and energy at that University. I don’t even go to football games anymore, and being a big fan was at one time a central part of my identity. I couldn’t even tell you the name of the coach.
When I transitioned to ministry, I was blessed to have the time to prepare for the transition. Can I do that again? I hope so – with your help. Because we will all need to transition. I’ll need to transition from being your minister – to being a member. And you will need to transition to either a new minister – or new kinds of ministry.
So – I’ve decided to build in some practice time for us. I’m going to take a mini-sabbatical from mid-May to mid-June this year. Greg and I have rented a flat in London – and I’m going to try my best to go there and learn and grown in ways that will help me in my remaining years as your minister and in transitioning to retirement. My “plan” is to continue with you till June 20, 2026. That all depends, of course, on the health of my mind and body – and whether you want me to continue that long. But it’s helpful, in any case, to try to be intentional about the changes that will occur. I’m appreciative that our Committee on Shared Ministry, our board, and other leaders are energetic about helping us all with this transition as our roles and identities shift.
Yes, our identities are not static, they, indeed, are fluid. Thankfully, Unitarian Universalism honors the fluidity of our identities. We can shift and still be UUs.
Beloveds, may we learn together to swim along gracefully with the fluidity of our identities as they stream toward and eventually become a part of that big Sea of Love.
Amen and Blessed Be!
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