Big Questions: And What of Death?

 

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord my soul to keep

If I should die before I wake

I pray the Lord my soul to take. 

 

According to Wikipedia, that prayer – in that form –

was first published in the old New England Primer

that our Puritan ancestors used to learn to read. 

And from there it was passed down somehow to my Mama,

because it was the prayer she would say

with my brother Johnny and me at bedtime.

 I didn’t take any special comfort from that prayer. 

And I’m still not sure that it’s a good idea to place in the minds of toddlers that they may die during the night. 

But – in my preparation for this sermon

(which is not the first one I’ve done on death) –

I found out that there is an old Bhutanise folk saying

that encourages us to think of that possibility. 

In fact, the saying is that to be a happy person,

one must contemplate death 5 times daily.  And guess what? 

There’s an app for that.  It’s called WeCroak. 

I now have it on my phone and watch and 5 times a day –

at random times and at any moment, just like death –

I’m sent a reminder.

When my watch vibrates and I’m reminded that I’m going to die,

it gives me the option to open the app to reveal a quote about life and death from a poet, philosopher, or notable thinker. 

They are pretty good –

like Mary Oliver’s words that came up for me this week saying,

To live in this world you must be able to do three things:

to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it;

and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go.

Forrest Church said that “Religion is the human response to being alive and having to die.” 

That one hasn’t come up on my WeCroak app yet –

but I’m sure it probably will. 

Most of us here today have had to deal with loved ones dying. 

Many of us have had parents that have died, some have had siblings that have died, some have had to grieve the death of their spouses or partners, close friends, and for some of us –

even our children. 

And let us not forget those precious furry and feathery creatures that give us so much love. 

So, we know we, too, are going to die. 

You may not need an app to remind you. 

I just got it because I was working on this sermon

and wanted to check it out and see if it did make me happier. 

And I must say – for me – yeah,

 it does work to contemplate the life that I do have,

knowing it is fragile and will not last.  I savor it more. 

In my last sermon, I shared with you that there are some transitions in life that come suddenly –

and that we can’t prepare for – but others we know about –

and we can prepare for. 

And one thing we ALL know for sure is that we ALL are going to die. 

They used to say there are only two sure things in this world – death and taxes.  But I’ve found out that there are folks who don’t pay taxes. 

But they are still going to die.  It’s the one thing we can be sure of. 

There is a lot of good information for you to read and study about death. 

It’s interesting that there is so much – when in reality –

we have to admit that we know so little. 

But if you want to learn a whole lot – I’d recommend this book. 

Farewell:  Vital End-of-Life Questions with Candid Answers from a Leading Palliative and Hospice Physician. 

Dr. Edward Creagon, a renowned specialist in oncology, palliative care and hospice care, has dedicated his life to death. 

For more than forty years, he has been at the bedside with patients at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN, addressing the end-of-life questions patients and their families ask. 

His book is about navigating those final days

and saying farewell with hope, love, and compassion. 

It’s a comprehensive book, full of both some science, but mainly great stories as examples. 

And yes, I read it all. 

Of course, there are also the classics like Elizabeth Kubler Ross’

On Death and Dying. 

And there are books for grief support groups

like we had here several years ago and more. 

Much too much to cover in one sermon.

So, I decided that it might help me with this sermon

if I could see what you were thinking

about death and what preparations you had made.

 I made a google survey and tried to get it out to as many of folks in my congregations as possible. 

As I was drafting this sermon, I had 34 responses.

The first thing I asked was “Do you have a will?” 

We’ve all been told that everyone needs one, right? 

(Slide) And I’m happy to report that 67.6 percent of the respondents

reported that they, indeed, do have a will. 

But that means that 42.4% don’t have one – and that’s a pretty big number –especially for Unitarian Universalists –

who are pretty smart folks. 

Now some say you are working on it –

one of those things where you are trying to get around to it. 

But 23.5% just said no. 

Often folks think they are too poor or too young to have a will. 

But their loved ones will usually tell you they sure wish they did –

if they do die without one. 

Now, if you intend to leave something to this beloved congregation in you will, (and we hope you will consider that as part of your legacy)

We would appreciate your sending the church the page in your will indicating your intentions, and we will keep that in our lock box.

If you want it to go to our building fund – used to pay off our mortgage and for other brick and mortar possibilities, write that in your will. 

We will recognize you as part of our Legacy Society.

I also asked you if you had an Advanced Directive –

also known as a Living Will? 

Most of us who regularly go to a healthcare provider have had those folks

insist that we complete one of these.

 I already had done my own – but when my healthcare provider offered,

 I had her do one as well

so that she would be fully informed of my wishes

and have that on file in their office – and I put it on file in the Statesboro hospital as well.  I need to do that in Brunswick.

It’s ALSO on my refrigerator – under a magnet. 

I realized the need to do that when one of my congregants died at home – and the emergency personnel insisted that they had to try to resuscitate him

unless his spouse showed them that he had declared that he did not want resuscitation. 

So she had to do a quick hunt for that document. 

As you can imagine, that was kind of distressing. 

So – mine is on my refrigerator.  Someone told me I should also have a copy in my glove compartment of my car.  Good idea. 

Now at this time – I do not have a DNR –

 but I do have other important things I would want them to know –

 and if I do decide on a DNR in the future, I’ll check that box as well. 

When I was accompanying Jim and Peter Crandall (members in Statesboro) near the end of Jim’s life journey recently,

 I carefully read over all of the hospice information

since Jim was under home hospice care. 

Peter and I both thought that he would probably have to call Emergency Services when Jim died –

 but then I read that you do NOT have to call EMS if the patient is under hospice care.

 You just call the hospice folks. 

They send the healthcare person over with a stethoscope to listen for a heartbeat and declare that your loved one has died.

 And the funeral home that you have selected comes to pick them up. 

No Sirens and hunts for directives, etc.  Just call hospice. 

And when the time came, that’s what Peter did. 

 On my little survey, I asked about your views of hospice.

This slide shows some of the choices I found that you have in Glynn County. 

Most of you have the same positive views of hospice that I do. 

Almost all of the responses were glowing,

especially if folks had experienced hospice care for loved ones. 

A couple mentioned that there were sometimes problems

and one person said it would not be their first choice–

but did not say what that first choice would be ---

perhaps something like assisted suicide,

which I’ll talk more about near the end of this sermon. 

  I did not think to ask about palliative care when I did the survey,

but if folks are favorable about hospice care,

I would assume they would be about the broader category of palliative care.

 Palliative care is providing as much comfort for the patient as possible –

while still treating symptoms and providing curative care as well. 

You can’t have hospice care as a Medicare benefit,

unless physicians estimate that you have 6 months or less to live.

 But you can have palliative care. 

They provide pain relief as well – perhaps not as much as hospice.

And I say – Bring them on!

I’m so glad that we had hospice care with my dad. 

I wish we had had it with my first father-in-law, Fred Page, Sr. 

He lived for several months after my mother-in-law died,

but had so many health problems, including congestive heart failure. 

I can remember being at the old Bulloch Memorial hospital with my then husband Fred and his two brothers as we watched him in agony. 

And the nurse explained to us that he was actively dying

and she shared with us – bless her heart – what we should expect

as his organs shut down and his breathing became more labored. 

But for some reason, the Page boys did not listen to her

and insisted that more be done to help him recover. 

The hospital made the decision to send him in an ambulance

to a hospital in Savannah. 

I guess they didn’t want him to die on their clock

with these three men so upset. 

When we got there we went into the room he was in

and my husband began to tell his dad that he just needed to fight harder. 

“You can do this dad,” he said.  “You have to fight.”

 I let him know that we needed to talk in the hallway. 

“Did you not hear that nurse in Statesboro, Fred?  Your dad is dying. 

You are not helping by telling him to fight.  He needs your permission to go in peace.  Please, go let him know it’s okay.” 

So. Fred went back in and told him he didn’t need to fight any longer. 

And he recited by heart the King James version of the 23^rd Psalm. 

If you know it, say it with me.

 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:

he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul:

he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil: for thou art with me;

thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:

 thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

Amen

My father-in-law relaxed, went to sleep,

and was gone within a couple of hours.  Amen.

May we all have folks around us who will give us permission to go. 

And thank goodness, those hospice angels encourage us to do just that.

Now -- The last sermon I shared with you was one related to identity – who you are. 

And if you missed it, you can go back to my sermon page and read it.

 So, this next question in the survey is kind of a follow-up.

I asked you,

“What do you think happens to the “person” at death? 

I read over these and tried to categorize the responses. 

Almost half of you said basically that you did not know. 

Many of you seemed to be fine with letting it be a mystery. 

But a couple of you said you worried about it –

and it kept you up some nights. 

A dozen of the respondents believe that when you die, that personhood 

-      that consciousness – is gone as well. 

Many followed up with the idea that you live on as memories

and the good works you did and more –

or that your energy merged or dissolved into the Universe

or some similar words. 

But there were 5 folks who believed in some kind of afterlife

where you would still be you

or that you would be reborn in some other form.

I also asked if there is such a thing as a good death? 

And if so, to describe an example. 

I think I thought of this because of a movie that I saw way back when called, “Legends of the Fall.” 

And in that movie the main character played by Brad Pitt has his death described by an old Indian who said he lived a good, long life – and was out enjoying the woods by himself – and did not come back. 

Some say that he was attacked and fought a bear –

and was killed by the bear – perhaps eaten by the bear.

(And the movie showed that horrific event in a hazy light.)

Then the old Indian narrator said, “It was a good death.” 

And the movie ended. 

Somehow that stayed with me –

because I didn’t think of it as a good death.

But maybe – if I grew up in that culture,

I would honor that as a good death. 

By the responses you all gave me,

I don’t think you would view that as a good way to go either. 

Several of you described a peaceful death in old age without pain. 

One of you felt that your death could be deemed as “good”

if you lived your life in such a way that people would mourn the loss.   

Several of you mentioned having family members present. 

Although many thought that in your sleep was a good way to depart,

one mentioned that their 93 year old dad was singing and laughing when he suddenly died – and that changed their view of a good death. 

Many shared something like the person’s acceptance of death

and their being ready to go. 

One person thought I might be asking the wrong question. 

This person said:

“I am not sure good and bad are the right adjectives… perhaps it is more complicated than that.  A more complicated way to think may be to ask questions about death as a part of life, or to ask the same questions about death that we ask about life:  what do I want our of my death”  what are the most important things to me about my death?  What do I want to achieve with my death – or with the death of a loved one?”

And one person noted that death is necessary and should be under the terms of the person who is dying if possible.

And that leads to the question I put off till the end – because it’s probably the one that is most controversial

and we may have more differences of opinions here. 

And remember, that’s okay – because we are Unitarian Universalists – and we do not have to think alike to love alike.   

So - I did ask about views of assisted suicide for terminal patients who desired this and whether or not it should be legal. 

Of the 33 folks who responded to this question,

26 or 78.8% felt that it should be legal. 

Seven were not sure or had caveats like

“only if the patient is in extreme pain that medication can not control.”  

 There were two people who thought it should not be an option.   

One person who thought it should be legal included the caveat 

that it should never be used in the case of mental illness –

rather than physical illness (although, I didn’t ask about that).

As you might guess, I agree with the large majority of you who see

assisted suicide as an option for folks with a terminal illness,

and think it should be legal. 

But I may go a step further than some of you.

 And since someone brought up mental illness – I’ll go there.

Although the National Center for Health Statistics shares all kinds of data 

about suicides, including attempts and successes by age, gender,

whether or not a firearm was used, etc. 

they do not provide data on what might have led to the decision –

whether related to a terminal physical illness, mental illness,

financial stress, or more. 

So, I don’t have hard data to share with you. 

But a whole lot of the suicides that I hear about

happen because folks are SO seriously miserable

and have been so for so long,

usually due to some mental illnesses like severe depression

or perhaps other reasons,

like having physical illnesses that they can live with

but with no quality of life

that they just want the pain and misery to be over. 

And they have to go to all kinds of efforts to make this happen

and put their family through even more hell by finding them

hanging in the back yard or shot with that gun bought “for protection.”

Now I’m not saying that anyone who feels that they want to be dead

should be allowed to have assisted suicide.

 There should be some kinds of requirements (like age requirements)

and processes that they must go through –

perhaps trying different medicines and therapies over a period of time

to be sure that nothing can make their life worth living. 

But it is THEIR life.  I am pro-choice – for both BIRTH and DEATH. 

A mature adult should be able to make that decision

and have some assistance in doing it the best way possible. 

My dad died of Alzheimer’s. 

It was very difficult for my mom as his caregiver. 

My dad was not my dad when he died. 

He had become a very different person. 

Not only did his memories go, his personality was not the same. 

Thankfully – he became sweeter rather than meaner

as happens with some folks. 

He loved everybody – but he didn’t know who any of us were. 

And he was miserable –

especially when it came to being able to pee when he wanted to –

even if he had a catheter. 

I mean – this man was in so much agony for so long. 

He was in a lot of misery because he could not do the things

he liked to do

or even the things to keep himself clean.

He should have been under hospice care a long time before he was –

but no doctor offered that as an alternative

and I guess my Mama didn’t feel right bringing it up. 

Finally – when their doctor moved out of town

and they had to go to someone new –

 that doctor asked her what her goals were for my dad –

and she said – I just want him to be comfortable –

and the doctor advised hospice care. 

Now my Mama is 96 and has a good mind –

and is still able to take care of herself. 

I’m hoping I got my mom’s genes.  But what if I got my dad’s genes.

 Beloveds, I do not want to live like that. 

And I don’t want my family to have to take care of me like that –

EVEN if they say they want to do so.

Now I shared with you in my last sermon that there are some transitions we can prepare for.

 So, beloveds, I have a plan that I may have to carry out alone, I guess.  But I will. 

Of course, I may change my mind. 

But it will be ME changing my mind if I do. 

I do not believe suicide is a sin.  I believe it’s a choice. 

I’m not saying it’s something you should consider.

 I’m just saying it’s a choice we should have.

Now the only legal thing that is allowed in our state

is something called VSED –

which has been upheld by the Supreme Court if one is mentally capable of making the decision. 

VSED stands for Voluntary Stopping Eating and Drinking. 

It’s sad that this is the only option – because it takes a while. 

You can live a very long time without eating –

so you have to quit your intake of liquids as well –

which can be uncomfortable – to say the least. 

Now if you are lucky enough to be under hospice care –

you can get the good drugs –

 but if you are not – then you tough it out for a while

with no food or water

till you just start to mainly sleep because everything is shutting down –

OR you make your own plans for speeding up the process. 

It’s helpful if you can find someone to assist you –

but if not – it can still be done. 

It’s your life.  It’s your death.  You should get to make those decisions.

Forrest Church said, “Unitarian Universalists are neither a chosen people

nor a people whose choices are made for them by theological authorities - ancient or otherwise.

We are a people who choose.”  

Georgia is one of the states that has at least considered physician assisted suicide – though it did not pass through our legislature. 

Who knows – maybe if we can get more progressive folks in office,

this will be a right that we all have as well.  (pause)

I did ask one further question on my survey – and that was an opportunity for you to share other thoughts. 

All were interesting to read.  But I’m going to close with a quote someone shared from a poem by Williams Cullens Bryant.  Here is that quote.

(SLIDE) So live, that when thy summons comes to join

The innumerable caravan, that moves

To that mysterious realm, where each shall take

His chamber in the silent halls of death,

Thou go not, like the quarry-slave at night,

Scourged to his dungeon, but sustained and soothed

By an unfaltering trust, approach thy grave,

Like one who wraps the drapery of his couch

About him, and lies down to pleasant dreams.

 May it be!