Celebrating Transitions

 

As I began the first draft of my sermon on Celebrating Transitions on Tuesday afternoon, I was also anticipating with some degree of anxiety our called zoom meeting of the board that evening to determine whether we need to transition back to zoom only services.  How dare I write a sermon on Celebrating Transitions when it seems that all we do is transition.  Well, if that’s what life is like – we sure need to learn to celebrate it.  And indeed, I DO celebrate that we have gotten pretty good at our options for worshiping so that we CAN make these decisions and still do church!  I celebrate that we have the proper equipment, the upcoming increased WiFi support, and the technological expertise to do these things, maybe not perfectly – but pretty good for a church our size.  And that ability for us to make these transitions is why we are surviving.  We just need to honor and respond to these challenges in a way that we can survive, thrive, and celebrate!  So yes, I’m going to share a sermon on Celebrating Transitions!!

Now there are some transitions that many of us have no problem celebrating.  These are usually the transitions that we set as goals for ourselves and work to achieve that possibility.  Graduations, Promotions, New Jobs, Weddings, and more.  It’s easy to put on that party hat and blow your horn when you’ve made some achievement.  Of course, some of us may have celebrated on New Year’s Day – because we had simply achieved making it through another year!  In all of these situations, we are proud of ourselves or our loved ones.  And we look FORWARD to what awaits us or them in that transition and beyond. 

Sometimes our various cultures create celebrations around transitions that could be very difficult and through which we all must pass.  I’ll give you just one example – PUBERTY.  Some religions have special celebrations when children “come of age.”  The bar mitzvah and bat mitzvah that our Jewish friends celebrate is an example.  Our congregation isn’t large enough to gather a group of young folks together for the UU “coming of age” classes and the celebration that follows, but perhaps that’s something we can now do with other churches in our cluster via Zoom? 

The most difficult of transitions to celebrate are those that are unexpected or unwanted – or are a result of Not achieving some goal.  Losing a job, the end of a relationship, the death of a loved one, the loss of some ability – for example, being able to drive, and more.  And certainly, we should all allow space for the grief experienced with these.  But we also need to be ready to see opportunities for celebrating our ability to move through this and find new challenges and opportunities in the future. 

I asked my Facebook friends what kinds of transitions they were undergoing. 

Several shared job-related transitions – getting a new job or transitioning what they do at their current job – or the most popular, transitioning to retirement.

Several others listed transitions related to family – losing a loved one, moving from marriage to divorce, and four grown folks said they recently became orphans. 

Some shared changes in their family roles – especially finding themselves in the role of caregiver for another.

Some had changes in living situations, moving to a new home or a new community, or living alone for the first time – empty nesters, and others with family members moving in.

A couple of folks were making intentional transitions in how they lived their lives, for example, eating differently, and another said she was “increasing my ‘noticing’ (awareness) of my reactions to specific situations.  Trying to sit in that awareness and pay more attention to my thought/ emotions. “And still another trying to find her voice – transitioning to a place of speaking her truth and reality in hopes of finding better care for herself and others.

Some folks were transitioning from being fully abled to having more challenges physical limitations.

And one long-time friend said she was just trying to avoid “the great transition” until she could see her grandchildren again and check off a few more things on her bucket list. 

All of these present emotions of excitement and anxiety.  Because transitioning means changing.  And change is often hard. 

Those of us who appreciate the insight that Darwin and others have provided us regarding evolution know – that it isn’t necessary the biggest or strongest or even the smartest that survive – it’s the ones who can adapt, who can transition to living in a different environment or with different challenges. 

Adaptation to something new is difficult for most of us.  We get comfortable with things as they are.  And many folks spend a great deal of time and energy trying hard to avoid change.  Unitarian Universalists seem – as a whole – to be better than most and shifting and adapting – at least we proclaim to be.  But sometimes we really struggle as well. 

Psychologists have spent a lot of time studying folks who adapt well, and they describe them as being resilient.  What does it mean to be resilient?  And is it something you are born with or something you develop?  Like most characteristics – it’s some of both.  Let’s be honest, some folks are just born seeming to have the capabilities of being more resilient.  And it’s not that they necessarily try harder than their neighbors.  They just got lucky, just as some are born with rhythm and musical abilities and others must work for many years to be able to do some simple dance steps.  So, we shouldn’t be so quick to pat ourselves on the back if we can adapt and our neighbor has more difficulty.  And likewise, we need to be understanding if we are the one in that role of having the difficulty with transitions.  We are different, with different capabilities.  Fortunately, it’s not a characteristic like eye color – resiliency IS something that we can develop and strengthen in ourselves.  Yes, we can LEARN to cope with life Transitions.

Psychologist Anna Womack provides us with six Tips!

The first is to PREPARE (when you can).  You should have the batteries for the flashlights BEFORE the storms takes out the electricity.  There are SO many things in life that we CAN prepare for --- even if we don’t know exactly when these transitions will occur.  One transition that we all know is coming – for every single one of us – is that great transition that my long-time friend is trying to avoid for a while – and that is death.  And folks, we sure don’t know – for sure – when our time or the time of one of our loved ones will come.  So, if there are things, we need to do first – to make it easier for our loved ones, we need to do it.  This past Thursday, I had the honor of officiating at a graveside service in Statesboro.  This friend was prepared.  She had even written her own obituary.  And she had planned what kind of service she wanted and told them that only Jane Page could do it – and if they couldn’t get me, that she was fine just not to have any minister there.  Of course, I made sure that I could be there.  We’ve questioned ourselves and the experts on whether or not we were prepared for this pandemic.  Actually, they had been preparing for it for years.  And it’s a good thing.  Because even SO, - with that preparation, we’ve been unprepared for much of what has happened.  Do all the preparation you can for those transitions you know are coming.  Study for your exams, exercise your bodies, read for more information, - like a good scout – be prepared.

The second time is to SET REASONABLE EXPECTATIONS.  It’s good to be prepared and confident!  But if you go into a difficult transition imagining that it will “be a breeze,” you my find yourself with a lot of frustration and stress when you don’t meet those expectations.  Instead, go into it knowing that you will feel stressed and overwhelmed at times.  That’s normal.

The third tip is Establishing some routines during times of transitions.  Daily walks, going to bed and getting up at regular times (do people really do that?) and having regular times for intention settings can help.  During the pandemic and before, I’ve been trying my best to walk every day.  It’s become a life saver in many ways.  I think I need to add some other possibilities to this routine setting for myself.  Also, be aware that some routines may not be healthy.  Just because it’s a routine – doesn’t mean it’s a good thing. 

The fourth is “Check your self-talk.” – Oh, God.  Not only do I have to deal with my constant self-talk – now this psychologist said I should evaluate that.  Well, she did prescribe using some self-talk to share with myself how I had accomplished getting through previous transitions before.  I guess I can do that.

The fifth is to Set some SMALL GOALS.  I agree with that for when we are overwhelmed – I think it’s a reasonable tip.  But we need to keep our eyes on the big goals as well.  Don’t forget that we are trying to work toward that Beloved Community with peace, liberty and justice for all.

The sixth one is the one that I think can be the most important during challenging transitions.  And that is to STAY CONNECTED.  Even if we must use Zoom folks, find ways to stay connected to folks.  Most of us know how to use a telephone. Call somebody today you need to connect with.  Wish them a happy new year.

And the seventh is priceless! – Practice Self Compassion. Forgive yourself when you fall short.  Our loud if necessary. Say it. “I forgive me.” Give yourself some self-love and be proud that you are dealing with some tough shh—stuff.

Y’all it’s 2022 – and with all the mess many of us have had to deal with – we are still here!  We can still LOVE – even if we can’t HUG everybody.  Everyone of us is pretty dog-on resilient – and that’s worth celebrating.  We know how to adapt, and we are doing it.

Greg and I have been watching Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix. We are up to the 11^th Season now.  In one of the episode’s, we watched this week, there is a shot of Dr. Amelia Shepherd preparing for a difficult surgery.  Her resident, Dr. Stephanie Edwards comes in and sees her standing like this. 

“What are you doing?”  Stephanie asks.

“I’m standing in my superhero pose,” explains Amelia.  Research shows that if you stand in this pose before proceeding, you will be better prepared to meet the challenge.  Come join me.”  And Stephanie strikes the pose. 

So here I am!  Ready to survive, thrive, and celebrate.  Now whether you are sitting or standing – put your shoulders back as far as you can and hold your head and chest up!  

Let us CELEBRATE this new year and KNOW that we are HERE for one another as we Meet every new challenge! 

(Sing) Celebrate good times, come on!

Happy New Year!

Regret, Repentance, Redemption, Reconciliation, and Reparations

 Regret, Repentance, Redemption, Reconciliation and Reparations

One of the first classes I took at Meadville Lombard was Religious Education.  

In some ways, I thought I shouldn’t even have to take any kind of education class.  

I was a professor of education and a Department Chair 

of Curriculum, Foundations, and Research at Georgia Southern.  

I had helped to facilitate a great new program in Curriculum Studies 

and worked with some top-notch Curriculum scholars. 

But I knew that I still had did not know the specific field of Religious Education well, 

so I was open to seeing what I could learn.  

And I did learn a whole lot in that class – 

but not really so much about curriculum and religious education.  

 

 I learned about how my own education and scholarly endeavors were steeped 

in so much systemic racism and white supremacy 

that I did not even recognize my own handicaps.  

Here’s the story of what was perhaps the biggest lesson I learned in seminary.

Our class met in a classroom with one large table – 

or perhaps two tables pushed together, and we all sat around it.  

Our teacher sat with us but would sometimes stand and write on the chalk board.  

Yes, we still used chalkboards at Meadville Lombard in that beautiful old building 

in Hyde Park on the southside of Chicago.  

Other than some manuscripts and religious education curricula written by 

the legendary Unitarian religious educator, Sophia Fahs, 

we did not have a lot of texts from our own tradition, 

so we studied other religious educators and their texts, 

like the writings of the fabulous Parker Palmer, 

who I follow on Facebook now – and who says he will never write another text, 

but shares some wisdom via Facebook almost daily.  

For most of our classes in seminary, we had to purchase six or seven required books 

and read them all.  

In this religious education class, we discussed them one by one, and, of course, 

wrote essays on each of them.  And so it went.  

Unitarian Universalist seminarians are a rather scholarly bunch, 

and I was in my element as an academic person, enjoying it thoroughly.  

I liked some of the books better than others, 

and had to translate a lot because they often were written within a particular – 

more narrow – religious tradition, unlike Palmer’s books, 

which were awesome for any tradition.  

On this particular cold January morning, 

we were digging into a different book co-authored by two authors 

who “happened to be” African American.  

And that was the way I thought of it – they just “happened to be” African American.  

At that point in my development, I thought that looking past someone’s race 

and ethnicity was a better way to be more welcoming.  

After all, we are all human.  

So we began to discuss some of the points in the book, 

and I went on my merry way to share with the class a very negative critique 

of some of the methods and ideas they proposed.  

The other students seem to follow my lead one by one and so did the teacher.  

Then Archene spoke up.

Archene Turner and I had been attracted to one another immediately – 

both in our writing back and forth before we came to Chicago on our listserv – 

or whatever we were using back then, and when we met in person.  

You know – there are some folks where a friendship has to develop gradually – 

and some folks where you just “hit it off.”  Archene and I connected.   

Archene put her hands on the table and said, 

“Stop – Do you not realize that I’m sitting at this table.”

The classroom grew silent.  

I looked at my friend and could see that she was hurt and upset.  

What had we done?  

Archene shared how she had all these texts to read in all these classes – 

and none from folks that looked like her, 

till this ONE text in this religious education class.  

And now this is what she was sitting through as if we weren’t even aware 

of how this may affect her.  

And my heart sank – especially since I was the one 

who started us down that very negative, critical path. 

Our teacher said it was time for a break.

Oh, how I regretted what I had done.  

I didn’t fully understand it all – but I had hurt my friend.  

 

I immediately went to her and expressed my sorrow with tears in my eyes, 

-      Yeah – those white lady tears - and hugged her. 

-      Then I said something that probably may or may not have helped.  

-      I said, “I didn’t mean to hurt you.  That was not my intention.  

-      I wasn’t thinking, and I’m so, so sorry.”  

-      But I knew I messed up – and I was trying to repent.  

-      I’m glad that I made that immediate effort.  

-      I have regrets in life that were not always followed by repentance.

Regret has been defined as a feeling of remorse that is a negative emotion as it leads one to think continuously about a past action or behavior and causes more shame, guilt, anger, disappointment etc.

It’s not a good place to stay in.

Repentance is a positive emotion as it makes one learn about the mistake, and the person vows not to repeat it in the future.

And though I began my repentance at that moment – it takes more than a moment. 

 How could I ever Redeem my actions?

We came back to class to try to look at what had happened. 

Archene explained how Meadville Lombard was so totally lacking at that time in drawing from any African American traditions or scholarship 

and how she was glad to see that at least there was a book in one class.  

She did not try to defend the book all that much, she was discussing our whole system.  

The teacher, in her efforts to perhaps defend her book choice, 

made everything worse by saying,

“Well I think some of the ideas are good the authors just did not communicate them well. 

 I think they needed a good editor.”  

She also explained that she made a special effort to include something

 by African American authors.  

Well, I have to admit – 

that’s how many folks were approaching “multicultural education,” in those days.  

 

Let’s just add something to the readings without thoroughly examining it ourselves 

so we can appear to be diverse.  

But the rest of that day – and the rest of that intensive class week 

had a heavy cloud over it.

What had happened in that class, of course, quickly was revealed to the entire seminary 

as we began to examine all of our class curricula closely 

as well as how we conducted our class discussions 

and we realized that the faculty, students, administrators, and board 

had lots of work to do.

The next year the seminary invited just about every person of color of note 

in the UU world to join us for our preconference before classes 

as well as other consultants to help us attempt efforts of both reconciliation and healing.  Former students of color were invited in and shared many painful experiences 

that were not addressed at the time they were there.  

It was a very, difficult few days.  

But we continued to work from that point on making many changes.  

One of them was that we have a class covenant and 

that we all agree to it before we began each class, 

with ways that we can signal in a discussion if there are things come up that cause pain.  

Most of us didn’t even know the word “micro-aggressions” at that time.  

We also began to really look at our own curriculum, faculty, and more.  

We were waking up to the fact that Meadville Lombard 

was steeped in systemic racism and white supremacy – 

even though WE thought we were not.  

And Meadville Lombard has continued this necessary journey.  

It’s not something you repair easily.

I share this story with you because I think we as UUs think we are SO good.  

 

 And we are SO much better than some other narrow traditions 

which are obviously unwelcoming and patriarchal and downright racist, 

that we sometimes feel satisfied.  Yet, we mess up.  

We mess up as an association, as a congregation, and as people.  

We just do.

And we mess up in our personal lives with folks we love the most!  

But we don’t have to dwell in regret.  

We can move through those other R words and make a difference 

in our own lives and those of others.

One of the most difficult of these R words to address is reconciliation 

because we are working on relationships with others in that process – 

and that’s not always easy.

Paula Cole Jones shared in UU World about adopting reconciliation 

as a personal spiritual discipline.  She writes:

“As a management consultant, I know a lot about helping people work through their differences, but until I embraced reconciliation as a spiritual practice, I didn't realize just how transformative reconciliation can be.

 Practicing reconciliation means I commit to being in right relationship with people in my life and, when I'm not, caring enough to face unresolved issues and improve the relationship. 

(She continues) I keep two lists: 

One has the names of people with whom I need to reconcile. 

The other has names of people with whom I have begun reconciliation efforts. 

The lists keep my commitment in front of me. 

Each time I am able to move forward with another person, 

I draw a line through their name on the list of people 

with whom reconciliation is needed—

and the list of people with whom I have begun reconciliation grows longer.”

 

The ability to “make amends” or reconcile is one of the major practices 

of folks who are successful with 12 step recovery programs.  It’s not easy.  

And sometimes connecting with some folks is more harmful than helpful – 

so it’s not always something you need to do directly.  

But we have to do it in our hearts, for sure – and with others if at all possible.

Sometimes the folks that are hardest to reconcile with are our own family members 

and loved ones.  

We have so much of our emotional stuff wrapped up in these relationships. 

Thank goodness for therapists!

Sometimes, we can’t just forgive and move on. 

I find this especially true with what I’ve been going through 

with the trial of these three men charged with the murder of Ahmaud Arbery. 

As a member of the Glynn County Clergy Equity Group, 

 

 

I’ve been working with others to be supportive 

of the Ahmaud Arbery family 

and seek justice.  

But in one of our zoom meetings before the trial, one of the clergy indicated 

that they had been told that none of the local clergy 

had been to the jail to pray with the defendants.  

Those of us in the meeting were asked if we thought we could do this – 

and there was discussion of how we are “all God’s children.”

I shared with the clergy that while I admired those who may be able to do that, 

I could not. 

 I had heard no remorse from these men or any admission of guilt.  

I also acknowledged that my problem may be related to my own personal situation 

in that these men represented my background – 

the kinds of folks I grew up with – family members and others – 

and that I still carried a lot of shame related to that to work through.  

I could not be authentic if I went in to pray with them, 

but I would honor those who could.  

One of the African American clergy women spoke up 

and said she thought she could do it – and I said, “Bless you.”

I recently heard a young man share how he was assaulted as a teenager for being gay – 

and how folks now asked him if he was able to forgive those who assaulted him. 

He said that he had not been able to forgive them.  

But he was able to recognize their inherent worth and dignity 

and understand that they had probably had things done to them 

that would lead them to become a person like that.  

And maybe for some – that’s as far as we can go.

But when we are the ones who have hurt someone, 

we should try our best to move to reconciliation.  

Sometimes that may be through an apology.  

But often the “I’m sorry’s” are empty words.

We need to make reparations.  

In the educational component of the minister’s gathering that I was in at the Mountain, 

the facilitator said that she agreed with the idea that everything we need to know 

we learn in preschool or kindergarten.  She had a toddler in preschool – 

and when they were at an orientation, one parent asked how they disciplined the children; 

did they use a “time out” or what?  

And the teacher said, “We teach them to ask the question – 

“What can I do to make it better.”

As adults who are participants in systems of systemic racism and other oppressions, 

we need to do the same.  We need to ask how we can repair the systems.  

Often, it’s a very hard thing to do.

The judge in the trial in Brunswick said that the jury that was selected 

was not a fair distribution regarding race.  

There was only one black member selected.  

 

He said, however, that because of the way the law was written, 

if the defense could show other valid reasons than race for striking a juror, 

that was acceptable.  The whole system’s messed up.

And here we are – trying to do what little we can – to turn this ship around. 

I emailed my friend Archene last week to ask if I could use her real name 

in sharing the story I shared at the beginning of the sermon.  

She gave me permission – but went on to share with me

 that she had stepped away from the UU congregation she was attending 

as a community minister.  

She said it was just too hard to get privileged white folks who were willing 

to turn the ship around. 

 I shared with her my understanding and hopes for the future.

What can we do?  

 

As a congregation, we can do things like vote for the resolution 

we have proposed related to the 8^th Principle at our Annual Meeting. 

 You will find out more about this in an upcoming email.   

And as individuals, perhaps we can follow the suggestion 

Paula Cole Jones provided about making a list of folks we need to reconcile with – 

and start working on it.  

I have some regrets that I’ll never be able to remedy – 

for those folks are dead, and I’ll just have to let those things go.  

But there are others who are still breathing.  I need to make my list.  

Who will be on yours?

Perhaps this season of Thanksgiving can be one 

where we can all begin to reach out more, 

connect with those we’ve wronged 

or those who have somehow separated from us, and we are not sure what happened. 

It’s not too late for some.  We can do this.

And, of course, we can try to make amends, fix what we can, 

reconnect and reconcile if possible.  

We are all going to mess up – just like I did in the class at Meadville Lombard 

when my actions and words hurt my friend, Archene.  

But you know – Archene knew my heart.  

When I apologized to her, she knew my heart was in a holy place.  

And just like the song says, she blessed me with her love and amazing grace.

And when it’s impossible to reconcile, 

well, we just have to forgive ourselves and try to do better --- 

as we forgive others as well.

Jesus prayed, “Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

I’ll give us a head start by leading you all in the Litany of Atonement 

by Rev. Rob Eller Isaacs that we sometimes recite from the back of the hymnal. 

Your part is simply these words which you will repeat after each entry. 

 “We forgive ourselves and each other.  We begin again in Love.”

For remaining silent when a single voice would have made a difference.

We forgive ourselves and each other, we begin again in love.

For each time that our fears have made us rigid and inaccessible.

We forgive ourselves and each other, we begin again in love.

For each time that we have struck out in anger without just cause

We forgive ourselves and each other, we begin again in love.

For each time that our greed has blinded us to the needs of others

We forgive ourselves and each other, we begin again in love.

For the selfishness which sets us apart and alone

We forgive ourselves and each other, we begin again in love.

For falling short of the admonitions of the spirit

We forgive ourselves and each other, we begin again in love.

For losing sight of our unity

We forgive ourselves and each other, we begin again in love.

For those and for so many acts both evident and subtle which have fueled the illusion of separateness

We forgive ourselves and each other, we begin again in love.

 

May it be so!